There is this little orange pill that haunts my dreams. Every other pill in my life did not haunt me in the way that this one does. Even knowing what it does to my mind and my body and my brain - I still think of it fondly. And then I slap myself, metaphorically, and wake the fuck up because Adderall destroyed my life - BUT, BUT - it also destroyed my life to the point in which I broke open, fell apart, and finally got clean - and not just clean, but sober - free, happy, at peace.Read More
I deserve love. I write it out on my mirror, as my therapist suggests, and I repeat it to myself multiple times a day. I think it’s bullshit. Why do I have to keep telling myself this? She keeps assigning me tasks that I do not want to do and I am tired of all this talk about self-love and vulnerability.Read More
For me, recovery has been a process of reclamation of my true self. It’s been about growth, evolution, and healing, but it’s also been about unlearning what I once believed as true. There are so many times I bulldozed through life not listening to my own intuition. I didn’t identify the truths that guided me, but instead listened to the truths that guided our society and culture, as well as my own addictive behaviors. I had to unlearn so many of the toxic habits I had developed and I had to create an unshakable faith in my own abilities to heal and recover. The following is a list of seven truths I learned in my own recovery from love addiction and drug addiction.Read More
What is so hard to understand? I wonder. Why doesn’t he fucking get it? I think silently, but don’t say out loud – because that sounds harsh and unforgiving and really just, bitter. But, truly, I am not bitter, no matter what it sounds like, this is actually incredibly compassionate, and even deeper, tender and loving. Because I want you to know the world I know.
The world that began the day I said no to everything that wanted to keep me stuck in a place of loneliness and fear and self-pity – and all-nighters full of pills and cocaine, and broken mirrors, and marathons of bad TV, and men who hurt me, and behaviors that didn’t suit me.
The day I said no to a life I did not create, but created me.Read More
I was about four months sober when I first heard the term “Rejection is God’s Protection.” I remember scribbling the words in a note pad and never, ever forgetting them.
So, when my boyfriend told me he was not ready to be engaged to me this April, my heart broke. I was ready for it all. I was madly in love. I wanted him, as my forever.
At the time, I looked around at our beautiful home, and I heard a quiet voice saying: “You will be okay. You will be okay.” Over and over, I repeated those words in my head.
“You will be okay.”Read More
The hot loneliness. The pain. The grief. The terror. The magic. It’s not linear. It was never meant to be linear. It is up and down, and terrifying and exciting and exhausting.
I don’t eat for almost 6 days. I force myself to swallow at least one English muffin a day. So, I eat. But, I don’t eat well. I’ve lost 6lbs since this break up. I read a poem that tells me to not lose too much weight. It reads “stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge/and you are not stupid.” But, this isn’t revenge. This is not me saying I will lose weight for you now.Read More
My boyfriend is a sigher. Or should I say, he used to be. He calls it stuffing, gently and/or harshly, he will stuff his emotions down. He will avoid the discomfort of confrontation, until it boils him away. He will smile as he is in pain. He will not ask for what he wants.
We had a talk a few weeks ago, about stuffing. Because this hiding of emotions left him in a constant state of passive aggressiveness one weekend. I didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with him. He is usually sweet and loving and encouraging. He is the best man I know. But, when he hides from the words he really wants to say, he gets irritated and agitated.