There is this little orange pill that haunts my dreams. Every other pill in my life did not haunt me in the way that this one does. Even knowing what it does to my mind and my body and my brain - I still think of it fondly. And then I slap myself, metaphorically, and wake the fuck up because Adderall destroyed my life - BUT, BUT - it also destroyed my life to the point in which I broke open, fell apart, and finally got clean - and not just clean, but sober - free, happy, at peace.Read More
In 2010, my parents received an urgent call from me: my roommate was spying on me. This wasn’t the truth but this is what my brain was telling me - my printer was taking pictures of me; my phone was hacked; and there most definitely were video cameras in my air vents.
This was the first time my parents would realize that their adult child was addicted to drugs.
I had been taking Adderall for the last 6 months & when I started abusing it - my brain broke & sent me into psychosis. My parents were psychologists so they had seen this before - not in me, but in their clients. They flew out to California to help me & told my psychiatrist to STOP prescribing me Adderall.Read More
It’s well known that one of the top reasons people are deferred from treatment is stigma and shame. People do not want to admit they have a substance-abuse problem. They don’t want to ask for help because of the shame that surrounds addiction. I didn’t either. I didn’t want the world to know that I had issues with prescription pills. I didn’t want my work to find out that I was swallowing pills just to get through the day. I didn’t want anyone to know that the first thing I thought about in the morning was a drug. A magic pill that would make me feel like something other than myself.Read More
"Are you okay, Lara?" Katie's voice came from the other side of the stall; the woman I adored and considered my mentor at one time. I remember the concern in her voice, and all I wanted to say was, "Just leave me alone."
"Yup. Everything's fine"
In reality, everything was not fine. Nowhere near fine, in fact. I was wearing a bandage around my wrist because I had torn through my walls the night before. Thinking someone was spying on me. Wires in the walls. A framed picture fell and glass sliced through my skin.Read More
"I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me."
- Cheryl Strayed
You are not alone. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. All that hurt in your heart and in your gut; I have carried it too. I have stood where you stand. A rage of self-pity and anger and what the fucks and how the hell did this happen to me?!
I get it sister. I get it. Lean in. Let me hold you for one moment. Feel my breath against your breath. Let my calm meet your calm. You have it in you. You are not this moment, or those moments. You are not your bad decisions or your mistakes or your fuck its.Read More
So I stepped away from AA. I am not fully denying it, but for now, I am not a member. Nor do I have a sponsor. Or sponsees. And yes, I have worked all 12 steps and I still integrate them into my daily life. I am forever grateful for those steps.
I needed them, at the time.
Here’s the thing. We are allowed to change. This is one of the mantra’s that writer Laura McKowen continually promotes.
You are allowed to change.Read More
My boyfriend is a sigher. Or should I say, he used to be. He calls it stuffing, gently and/or harshly, he will stuff his emotions down. He will avoid the discomfort of confrontation, until it boils him away. He will smile as he is in pain. He will not ask for what he wants.
We had a talk a few weeks ago, about stuffing. Because this hiding of emotions left him in a constant state of passive aggressiveness one weekend. I didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with him. He is usually sweet and loving and encouraging. He is the best man I know. But, when he hides from the words he really wants to say, he gets irritated and agitated.
Over the past two years, I am learning to be human again. I don’t fully understand addiction – the whys, the hows, the for what reasons? Is it a disease? Is it a choice? Does it stem from trauma? Is it genetic? Why are some people addicted and others not?
There are masters studying this very thought. I don’t consider myself to be a master. I am just a student.
The only truth I know about addiction is that it is painful. The best truth I know about sobriety is that it is miraculous. Even in the ins and the outs – the hard parts and the sad days, even in the downright disastrous experiences of life – sobriety is miraculous.