Los Angeles Thoughts
my best friends are all different this saturday.
most live next door who i call neighbors while
some live as far as chicago or phoenix and even D.C
Either way i was in love with them when i think of
how my favorite poem and favorite line say
"i was not in love with him so his beauty made me happy"
i have not watched reality television in over 7 weeks,
though i have been surrounded by cameras and sound
engineers and story producers who save face.
i lie and say car accidents can produce mere unemployment
but truly time and normalcy and bad habits make
i think of how cowboy from the venice asks for my
email and says he will give me all his money because my
father has had heart surgery and he was the
inventor of pabst blue ribbon.
(it never happened)
this summer, since moving to los angeles i have met
many millionaires, inventors of inventions who sing
lavendar girls make revolution on canvas seem beautiful
and more appealing.
i am feeling metal band spirituality with my fingers and
i think blonde hair and high maintenance women might
make me feel beautiful, but REALLY, they just make
i am a collection of insecurities and i listen to cookie
breathe on the couch next to me with no food. i once
said hippies are lazy but now i know they're just
depressed or bored or whatever one who doesnt like to share
i use share a lot more in my speech since moving
back to los angeles because i am surrounded by six different
people who beat yoga with their toes.
last wednesday i have a head stand contest and think
of vaulting and feel the way it made this director feel
when i told him i had talents.
is it that shocking that i could be beautiful and smart?
i ask this only in writing, not in haste.
in the morning, i watch a video of you dancing on the beach
and i think of actors and actresses and how this city is so
artsy but i never saw it because i was surrounded by corporate
politics and men who wear business suits with
sometimes, i wish i had moved to brooklyn to pursue
words and dictionaries and thesauruses, but then i think
of how life might turn out and i ask myself, would it be the same?
i lost forty thousand dollars from falling in love and i say ill never
fall in love again and really i dont want to. when i think deeper.
but then i start to not study investments or real estate
agents or returns and i know faces cant smile without love.
i feel that indie artists inspire me and the fact ive wanted to
watch half nelson for 2 hours and eat spagettio's but havent
make me think that i went to the dmv and became a california licensee
and got that rock of smoke i wanted last month when nashville
their cat oliver has passed last week and i cant help but compare
it to the potential death of my father. i show jess
pics of him and she says we see so similar.
next week my mom will visit
on tuesday and remove my own dog from my own couch
because my own bank account
doesnt carry discovery paychecks or potential.
where am i? (i ask myself)
what am i doing?
where has 1 year gone?
and maybe if im sober, i lie and say nothing happened, when really
everything happened and i think of narcotics anonymous
or alcoholics anonymous and realize how people
can become more involved but dont.
- © Lara Ann Frazier